I feel embarrassed, I feel retarted, I feel absolutely rediculous,
I feel like telling him what I told him just made me look like a creepy posessive freak.
I also feel embarased that he had a dream of us doin it. I feel like that's all he sees me as now. Like how embarrassing is that. I feel like I ding even want to all to him ever again. It sucks that we go to the same church. I just don't even wasn't to be around him.
I know that he is not the right one because we change who eachother are. I'm not the Lena I want to be around him, I get embarrassed of the way I look, what I might say. I just mask the Lena I have grown into and worked hard to find.
And he isn't the Tyler I grew very fond if.
The Tyler I crushed on was funny, was flirty, made me laugh, made me feel good about my self, boosted my confidence, he was a go getter, an adventurer, always wanted to hangout and have fun, he was careless, he didn't care about what he looked like he just wanted to make people smile and laugh. He had moves, he could sing, dance and look absolutely fine doing it. He defenetly was a ladies man he knew how to impress.
But then the other Tyler happened. The Tyler that laughed at the way my hair looked when it was wet... Yes I know it looked funny didn't need to be reminded, the Tyler that made me feel insecure about my face. He never made me feel insecure about my bodies tho.
This was the Tyler that got insecure around me. This was the Tyler that didn't laugh around me anymore, this was the Tyler that had dark eyes, this was the Tyler that made me feel like an annoying neucence, he made me feel like he had to hangout with me, he made me feel like I wasn't any fun, this was the Tyler that I didn't like, it wasn't the Tyler I wanted to be around.
All I could picture in my mind because if the dream he told me, was us being very touchy feelie, all u could picture was us holding hands, us hanging out, us going in dates, him treating me like a princess, I could picture us together and always hoped for it.
But when I saw him that night... When I talked to him the other night it was very different. And it wasn't a good different.
I thank god for showing me again that he isn't the one. It makes me sad that he isn't because at one point he seemed just sooo perfect!
He seemed too good to be true.
He is an awesome guy and I pray to god that he realizes how amazing he is, and realizes the fact that he can do so much for the kingdom and he will. I pray to god that he finds a woman that will lift him up, a women that will support him, a women that will serve right beside him. God I pray thAt you bring him someone that Dosn't have to change him, someone who he Dosn't have to change either. God I pray that he finds his strength through you and puts you at the forefront of his life, I pray that he will always lean in you for love and guidance. God I pray that he will never fall away from you but kinky grow closer to you and build a strong relationship with you.
God I pray that you calm my heart and still let me show him that I love him.
