September 11

God I welcome you here into my day. God all I do today and every day is for your glory and your glory only. The only reason I am being successful is because of you. It's because of your grace and strength. Without your grace and love I would not be where I am or be doing what I am doing. God I ask you about the place I'm serving. You put me there for a reason. But God how do I help lead a team. God I ask you for wisdom with the sound system. How do we improve the sound? What are the steps we need to take? God I ask you to provide a set design team. A team designated to come up with a design for the set so we can change it every three months. Or change it along with the sermon. God I also ask for the finances to make the appropriate changes needed in the auditorium. To improve sound and lighting. God please provide the knowledge and funds to create a sound appropriate auditorium. What all do we need and how much will it cost? 

God I also want to bring christian to you. God I want to set his name at your feet and leave it there. God if your will is for us to date you will allow it. But u till your ready I need understanding and peace and obviously grace to allow you to hold it in your hands. God for now I just want to ask you to strengthen him. Give him courage to be the man you have designed him to be. God give him confidence. Im not sure what he needs prayer for but God please give me knowledge so I can pray for him God keep designing him to be the man of God you want him to be. Help him to fall I love wit you more and more every day. 

It's how I feel

God, I feel a little frustrated. Why am I so crazy and get feelings and pretend in my mind there is somthing or hope there is somthing but there really isn't. Pastor even told me that about my self. God I know you have someone for me but I guess I'm just tired if being alone and want a friend. 

I hate that I love everything about Christian and have had him on my mind for a couple years now. God I'm trying to be patient and trust your guidence but I so take it into my own hands and force. 

I try and sometimes try too hard but there is never return. It's so irritating. I don't want to give up on what could be the most amazing thing but at the same time I feel if he Dosn't want to get to know me now then how is it going to be if we ended up together forever. I couldn't Dj that. And feel alone still. I mean he might not be like that but I dint see him changing and wanting to hangout. It's so irritating. I don't want a marriage like Adam and Khayla where they don't spend time together and they are always up and down. God I don't want that. God I need to let go. I need to move on because although I feel deep down that he is the one for me he might not think or feel the same. I don't know why I feel all of these but god I'm sorry and sad to say I want to stop trying. If he is interested if wants anything I guess it's his time to step up. His turn to give a little also. I could just give give give give give but it's draggin me down so hard. 

God I don't know where or what to do from here. But god I want to be over him. 

Pray without ceasing

I'm not sure I want to see his face ever again.....

I feel embarrassed, I feel retarted, I feel absolutely rediculous, 

I feel like telling him what I told him just made me look like a creepy posessive freak. 

I also feel embarased that he had a dream of us doin it. I feel like that's all he sees me as now. Like how embarrassing is that. I feel like I ding even want to all to him ever again. It sucks that we go to the same church. I just don't even wasn't to be around him. 

I know that he is not the right one because we change who eachother are. I'm not the Lena I want to be around him, I get embarrassed of the way I look, what I might say. I just mask the Lena I have grown into and worked hard to find. 

And he isn't the Tyler I grew very fond if. 

The Tyler I crushed on was funny, was flirty, made me laugh, made me feel good about my self, boosted my confidence, he was a go getter, an adventurer, always wanted to hangout and have fun, he was careless, he didn't care about what he looked like he just wanted to make people smile and laugh. He had moves, he could sing, dance and look absolutely fine doing it. He defenetly was a ladies man he knew how to impress. 

But then the other Tyler happened. The Tyler that laughed at the way my hair looked when it was wet... Yes I know it looked funny didn't need to be reminded, the Tyler that made me feel insecure about my face. He never made me feel insecure about my bodies tho. 

This was the Tyler that got insecure around me. This was the Tyler that didn't laugh around me anymore, this was the Tyler that had dark eyes, this was the Tyler that made me feel like an annoying neucence, he made me feel like he had to hangout with me, he made me feel like I wasn't any fun, this was the Tyler that I didn't like, it wasn't the Tyler I wanted to be around. 

All I could picture in my mind because if the dream he told me, was us being very touchy feelie, all u could picture was us holding hands, us hanging out, us going in dates, him treating me like a princess, I could picture us together and always hoped for it. 

But when I saw him that night... When I talked to him the other night it was very different. And it wasn't a good different. 

I thank god for showing me again that he isn't the one. It makes me sad that he isn't because at one point he seemed just sooo perfect! 

He seemed too good to be true. 

He is an awesome guy and I pray to god that he realizes how amazing he is, and realizes the fact that he can do so much for the kingdom and he will. I pray to god that he finds a woman that will lift him up, a women that will support him, a women that will serve right beside him. God I pray thAt you bring him someone that Dosn't have to change him, someone who he Dosn't have to change either. God I pray that he finds his strength through you and puts you at the forefront of his life, I pray that he will always lean in you for love and guidance. God I pray that he will never fall away from you but kinky grow closer to you and build a strong relationship with you. 

God I pray that you calm my heart and still let me show him that I love him.