It's how I feel

God, I feel a little frustrated. Why am I so crazy and get feelings and pretend in my mind there is somthing or hope there is somthing but there really isn't. Pastor even told me that about my self. God I know you have someone for me but I guess I'm just tired if being alone and want a friend. 

I hate that I love everything about Christian and have had him on my mind for a couple years now. God I'm trying to be patient and trust your guidence but I so take it into my own hands and force. 

I try and sometimes try too hard but there is never return. It's so irritating. I don't want to give up on what could be the most amazing thing but at the same time I feel if he Dosn't want to get to know me now then how is it going to be if we ended up together forever. I couldn't Dj that. And feel alone still. I mean he might not be like that but I dint see him changing and wanting to hangout. It's so irritating. I don't want a marriage like Adam and Khayla where they don't spend time together and they are always up and down. God I don't want that. God I need to let go. I need to move on because although I feel deep down that he is the one for me he might not think or feel the same. I don't know why I feel all of these but god I'm sorry and sad to say I want to stop trying. If he is interested if wants anything I guess it's his time to step up. His turn to give a little also. I could just give give give give give but it's draggin me down so hard. 

God I don't know where or what to do from here. But god I want to be over him.